My Begining

Today was good. It is nice to know that there are people who I will always be friends with, regardless of how much time or space is between us.

I am feeling a bit nostalgic. I suppose that's to be expected. I feel like I'm starting to say goodbye to this place, this quiet little corner of the world. I'll be back, of course. But I really don't know when the next time I will be staying here for an extended amount of time will be. I'll probably go elsewhere for spring break...maybe I'll move back temporarily after graduation. But my point is, I feel like I'm starting to let go, to really move on. And as much as I have complained about this area, I will miss it. It has a quiet, understated beauty to it. I think that it is the quietness that I will miss. There's something about a flat horizon that forces you to be contemplative. Of course, I'm viewing it through the eyes of a child who has called this place home for 17 years.

I drove through those flat straight narrow country roads tonight. Well past midnight with the radio blasting and my mind racing. Every road looks the same, but I could never be lost on them. It's something that has always been comforting to me, driving alone at night. It gives me a chance to be alone with my thoughts and emotions.

About a year ago I made a mantra for my life: To always be aware of and in awe of the beauty of God's creation. Now, I certainly haven't been able to always apply this to my life, but it has really changed the way I think about things, how I approach life, and my general attitude. Recently I've been thinking a lot, and I believe I have another mantra to add: To be aware and appreciative of the uniqueness of my exact location in time and space. This is somewhat similar to the previous mantra, but it has more to do with appreciation of the moment. I want to be aware of my time, not to let time drift away without even being aware of it - like vegging out in front of the tv or computer. Even when I relax, I want to really relax and live in the moment - to be fully aware and appreciative of where I am and when I am. By when I am, I mean in my life, in my age, in this decade, in this generation, in this century. I like to contemplate the significance of my actions and my lifetime on the large scale. Perhaps there is no significance, but perhaps there is. That's something I've been wrestling with lately....are things significant or meaningless? I don't feel like getting into it right now, because it's a thought that I haven't fully fleshed out...I don't know the answers yet. Maybe I never will.

I'm doing well. I go through phases where I don't want to see people, which results in laziness which results in depression. But even though I have been feeling anti-social, I've been forcing myself to be social. And once I get out there and actually start doing stuff, I have a good time. If left to my own devices I would probably degenerate into a depressed introverted hermit. So thank you to the people who have taken the time to call me and hang out with me. Even if I seem reluctant at first to do things, I'm glad to do them. Despite what I said about this area earlier, I do think that it can be somewhat soul crushing. It's just filled with so much thoughts and emotions and memories. How can I move forward when I'm surrounded by my past? I defiantly need to leave Ohio, but I know that I'll return.

I'm tired of waxing philosophic. It's getting late and I'm going to church in the morning. Goodnight, and Merry Christmas.