My Begining

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Hm...well...what to say...

Christmas was good, except for the violent food poisining that effected my entire family on Christmas day. Presents were good, things are good.

Comming back here is never what I expect. I'm not sure if it's good or bad, it's just...unexpected. For example, Heather and Mike got married on Thursday. That was crazy, I'm really glad I could be there.

But I dunno, being home is always weird. I sleep too much, I eat too much, I watch too much tv, I have too little social interaction. And this break it seems like there's even less social interaction, or maybe I'm just avoiding social interaction more than usual. I wish I could have gone out to Pitsburgh and DC again this year. That was a quality way to spend break. And I miss hanging out with Jenna and Phil.

I'm kind of weirded out about next semester. I feel like everything is going to be different, but not really in a good way. I'm gonna have a single. Granted it will be in the appartment with Elia, but I'm still worried that I'll hole myself up in my room and be even less socially active. And I'll have even less opprotunities to be social, with Jenna leaving and Phil graduating.

I need to meet some people. Don't get me wrong, I love the friends I have, I just feel like I need to meet people. Or maybe be more active with the people I do know. What is up with me? Last year I went out. I met people. I went to parties thrown by people I didn't even know. I've fallen into such a rut. Even my partying has become predictable. I don't know how to meet people. I'm so socially awkward. But the thing is, I think people mistake my awkwardness for being stuck up. Because I get quiet, I don't know what to say in most situations with new people, so I usually don't say anything. I don't even know how I made the friends I have.

I'm ready for things to develop in the romance department. New developments. Even romance has become predictable. Lame.

Maybe its just my being at home that's making me feel this way. I always feel so weird here. I mean, part of me loves it. I love to see my friends again and my family. But then, I dunno. I guess the pace is just different here. It seems like there are no possiablities here. Just memories. Good memories, but memories none the less. I'm rarely moving foward when I'm home, cause there's so much past here. I'm not running away from it, but how can you move on when it's everywhere. It's in every streetsign, every tree, every field, every shitty restruant, every trendy coffee shop, every school, house, and shack reminds me of someone I used to be. Someone I still am, but someone I'm not completly.

I'm not depressed, I just feel like I'm waitiing. I'm neither in hell nor heaven, I'm in Limbo. I'm in Northwest Ohio. I'm in Bowling Green. I'm in Weston.

This entry is neither here nor there, just like me.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Add to the list of things done at Denison:
Pissed on the school seal in front of Swazey.

On a related note, I got wicked drunk Friday night, and Phil shall be thourghly missed.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Well...in keeping with tradition, I'll post what I've bought over the past 2 weeks:

My share of booze:$6
Spray paint for an art project:$5
Sheesha and tea at the Hooka bar:$8
Steak 'n Shake:$10
Ticket to see Narnia:$7
Gas:$20
Two meals in Slayter:$10
Christmas presents for the Angle Tree:$65
Reliant K Christmas album: $9

hm...I've kept my spending down thus far. Got 60 bucks back from my books, and my parents sent me 40, so I should be ok for the rest of the Christmas season.

This week has been alright, mostly just stressin over finishing editing my film. But it got done, and I think it turned out well. This is probably the most laid back finals week I've had. It was still somewhat stressful, and from Tuesday to Thursday I got a grand total of 10 hours of sleep and spent like 30 hours down the hill.

It's been another interesting and fun semester at Denison. Not quite as wraught with drama as the previous two, but that's ok. It's been fun. Thanks to everyone who made it that way. Thanks to the people who do crazy things with me, support me when I need help, get me drunk, get me high, take care of me when I'm sick, and always make me smile. I hope we can keep this track record of great semesters at Denison going.

I come home tomorrow. I'll probably spend the weekend with the folks doing Christmasy things, but I'll be free until Jan. 14th. So BG/Weston people, get ahold of me.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Know what? I really don't understand 'couples'. By that I mean people who are in relationships, and ACT like they're in a relationship. You know the ones I'm talking about. One second they will be a normal, cohesive, human being, and the next they're a huge pile of mush, using words like 'snuggle' and 'tickle fight'. Not only does it make me sick, but I honestly just don't understand that. And don't think it's just the girls who do this, guys are just as likely to fall into this...which is even scarrier.

I just don't understand how people can completly change like that. I don't think that true love should do that. I mean, of course love will change you, it's a strong and powerful force. But I don't think that love should cause you to be a different person with your significant other than you are with everyone else. If it does change you, it should change everything, shake you to your core, alter your life view...not just make you a blubbering ball of sentiment when you're with that special someone.

I guess my conception of love is somewhat different from other people's. I think that love is strong, powerful, awe inspiring. It doesn't always have to be romantic and grand. It can work quietly.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with people who act like 'couples'. I just mean I don't think I'll ever understand them. I don't think that will be me. It never has been, and I just can't imagine becoming that. Of course, what do I know? I've never been in love.

A friend once called me a hardass. I've never thought of myself as that before...am I? I just value strength, and I don't really have a tolerance for mush and shameless displays of emotions like crying and constant talking. I think my emotions come through in other forms, namely art and writing. The more I think about it, the more I realize how lost I would be without art. I don't consider myself anything wonderful when it comes to art, it honestly is for my personal expression. Things I don't allow myself to express in other ways come through in my art.

So to my future Mr. Right, don't be upset if I don't act like a mushy romantic, I'll still love you. And I'll make beautiful art for you.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Tis the season!! Check out our great decorations! Can you tell what Mr. Slave is reading?

It's been a rather great weekend. Friday night, Elia and I went to a hooka bar in Columbus with Phil and Kim. After that, we went to see Narnia. It was really amazing. I mean, really. It was like all my childhood fantasys came to life on the screen. The characters who were such a huge part of my childhood, their adventures, all of it, it was so well done! It made me really nastalgic. I remember being a little kid and playing Narnia on the playground durring recess. I remember how upset I was when Aslan died, and how enthralled I was with all the stories and adventures. I loved it, it was great.

Saturday I mostly slept/worked. I watched a bunch of Bleach with Phil, and he made dinner. Then Jenna and Anitra came over, and we all got drunk watching SVU/Fresh Prince/X-Files/playing taboo. It was incrediably nerdy and fun!

Today I worked a lot. When I got back from downhill, Elia suggested we go sledding behind our dorm. We don't have a sled, so we used giant garbage bags. It was sooooo much fun! The snow was perfect for sledding! And we got a good 45 min. in before security came and yelled at us (Denison has a no sledding rule for some fucked up reason). I think I will definantly add it to my things done at Dension list. Things done at Denison is just a list of things that I feel sort of signify the Dension experience for me. Of course there's lots of other things that have happened here, but these are the things that represent Dension to me. So far, here's the list:

-Garbage bag sledding behind Taylor
-Dancing/singing/screaming in the rain at the top of the hill
-Climbing momma tree at the Homestead
-Romantic walks in the Bio-reserve in the fall
-falling asleep in the library
-Studying in Slayter and meeting lots of people
-Printroom partys
-throwing ceramics off the top of the art building (we broke a window and ran for it!)
-waking up in king
-Incrediable Journys around campus
-Swinging on north quad late at night
-smoking a bowl under the goal post in Mitchel field in thick fog
-nearly passing out in front of Shep (first time I met Abby)
-Pirates hijacking the radio station
-Dance partys in the scene shop!
-wandering into Swasey christmas service with a bottle of Jose Quervo
-Drag queen party in Curtis East (and so many other things in Curtis I can't even begin to list them all)
-Pirates vs Cowboys capture the flag on the A-quad
-Playing in the snow on the Campus Commons
-Bonfires/sitting on the roof at the Homestead
-illegal grill out at Taylor!
-Running through the sprinklers on the Campus Commons
-Hanging out in the Bandersnatch with Mandy
-Pranking Ryan in East
-Crappy snowman behind Chamberlin

That's all I can think of right now...

damn...now I'm all reflective...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Oh my God! What in the hell is wrong with you people? What in the HELL is wrong with this world?! STOP IT! JUST STOP IT ALL OF YOU!

Who the hell put these people in power? Surely they weren't VOTED in?? OUR GOVERNMENT IS CORRUPT! I've determined that the entire fucking thing is just SO corrupt! I don't even know how to verbalize my seething anger and frustration!

What put me in this mood? I don't know, I read the newspaper. And every single article, EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE, was a perfect example of the complete corruption of our government. Bans on gay marriages, the government cutting funding from colleges which don't allow military recruiters on campus, the government and the media working hand in hand, restrictions on free speech, even the fucking smoking ban is a violation of civilian rights! STOP TRYING TO REGULATE YOUR MORALITY! My God, it isn't even morality, it's you thirst for power, your greed.

Congress is going to consider making regulations about food commercials run during childrens' shows. They say that kids are over exposed to commercials for fatty foods, and they want to make it so that those commercials are not allowed to run while kids are watching. Sounds all good and well, but where does it stop? When will the government say, alright, we've got enough power, we don't need to control every single little aspect of your lives down to what kind of food you eat? The answer is NEVER! THEY WILL NOT STOP until they have complete and utter control over EVERYTHING! If you don't believe me, read a fucking newspaper. Read between the lines, look at what's really behind the issue. And every article will become another glaring example of the complete and total failure of our Government. Our government today is NOTHING like the grand and wonderful ideas established by our founders. If it was, the government would be SMALL!!

Leave the fucking market alone! It would work and opperate just fine without any interferance by the government, just like people! How do you think monopolies get started? Because they are given prefferential treatment by the government! So no wonder things get retarded when the government tries to break up a monopoly! HELLO?! Free and open markets (and I mean FREE AND OPEN, not like the 'free' market we have here) work best!

And don't try to blame this on one party or another. They're both equally deplorable and corrupt. They're basically identical, they just refuse to admit it. FUCK REPUBLICANS. FUCK DEMOCRATS. They're all evil. They're wasting MY money, they're killing people in MY name, they're trying to control MY life...and guess what, they're doing it to YOU TOO! Fuck them.

Anarchy sounds better and better everyday. Sure, once established it would probably have its failings, but that's not the point. The point is getting there, striving for it. Fuck, we know that it will probably never happen in the US. But the ideas are powerful, and if enough people had those ideas, maybe something could CHANGE! Damn it! I'm so sick of NOTHING EVER CHANGING!

That's it. I, Amber Yoder, hereby declare to the world, God, and the intardweb, that I now consider myself an Anarcho-capitalist. (think Libertarian meets Anarchist)

Damn...sorry for the psudo-political rant entry, it's been a while since I've had one of these. Way too much anger and frustration right now, I need to go on a walk or punch something.