There's something I've been thinking about for a while. I know it's completly random, but I've decided that whenever I get married I'm going to keep my name. I mean on one level I think that the whole system of the woman taking the man's name is an archiac tradition designed to show the man's ownership of the woman. But on a much more personal note I just don't want to change my name. It's not even like I love the name Yoder all that much, but it's just it has become a part of my identity. I know the whole "a rose by anyother name...ect" but I just don't like the idea of having to give up something that's been a major part of who I am my entire life. I just want to keep it because "It's my name! Because I have none other!" (ha I can fight fire w fire and literature with literature). My name is a part of who I am, the good the bad and the fucked up. I am who I am....
I am who I am. I can't help it. I am how I am, I can't help that either. Don't you think I'd change if I could? Don't you think I'd be happy? I'd be confident? I'd be honest? I've tried, I just can't. It's who I am, I'm flawed. Who isn't? Maybe someday I'll be better, maybe then I'll be whole and I'll be able to love myself. Until then this is who, tragically, I am.
(wow, after re-reading all this I realize I sound kinda skitzo, but I'm just doin the free flow thing, so whatever)
I think this song is very representative of my conversations with my mommy.
-Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham-
Mother mother can you hear me I’m just calling to say hello
How’s the weather how’s my father am I lonely heavens no
Mother mother are listening just a phone call to ease your mind
Life is perfect never better distance making the heart grow blind
When you sent me off to see the world
where you scared that I might get hurt
Would I try a little tobacco
would I keep on hiking up my skirt
I’m hungry
I’m dirty
I’m losing my mind
Everything’s fine
I’m freezing
I’m starving
I’m bleeding death
Everything’s fine
Yeah, I’m working, making money I’m just starting to build a name
I can feel it around the corner I could make it any day
Mother mother can you hear me yeah I’m sober sure I’m sane
Life is perfect never better still your daughter still the same
If I tell you what you want to hear will it help you to sleep wellat night
Are you sure that I’m your perfect dear now just cuddle up and sleep tight
I’m hungry
I’m dirty
I’m losing my mind
Everything’s fine
I’m freezing
I’m starving
I’m bleeding to death
Everything’s fine
I miss you
I love you
