Thursday, September 30, 2004
I really miss Ian.
I really miss Kristin. I really miss Rob, and Tracy, and Alex, and Mark...
I really miss having someone to listen to me. To make me feel better. To wrap their arms around me. To tell me that I am loved. I need a Nader hug, those always make things better.
Ian, come home. Spain is smelly and we need you here.
I really miss Kristin. I really miss Rob, and Tracy, and Alex, and Mark...
I really miss having someone to listen to me. To make me feel better. To wrap their arms around me. To tell me that I am loved. I need a Nader hug, those always make things better.
Ian, come home. Spain is smelly and we need you here.
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 10:49 AM | top
Several people have recently commented on my sarcasam. I guess I can be rather sarcastic, but I never really thought about it. I suppose when it comes down to it, I am sarcastic because I am incapeable of being honest. I don't feel comfortable telling people how I feel, so I try to say something funny to cover it up. And really, wouldn't people rather hear something witty than the truth?
If I told you how I really feel, would you even take me seriously?
I didn't think so.
If I told you how I really feel, would you even take me seriously?
I didn't think so.
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 10:02 AM | top
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Can I just say that the number of people who walk around this campus with a cell phone permanently attached to their head disgusts me? I counted them as I walked to class today, and in the distance from my room to the library I counted 15 people on their phone. Now I'm not completly anti-cell, I guess its good to have for emergencies and stuff, but come on people! how on earth did we survive 10 years ago without them? Its not even like these people are using them for any good use. Cell phones have become a social status symbol, and its just idiotic. Count me out.
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 4:40 PM | top
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
I love the Runaways!!!
Cherry Bomb - The Runaways
Can't stay at home, can't stay at school
Old folks say, ya poor little fool
Down the street I'm the girl next door
I'm the fox you've been waiting for
Hello Daddy, hello Mom
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Hello world I'm your wild girl
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Stone age love and strange sounds too
Come on baby let me get to you
Bad nights cause'n teenage blues
Get down ladies you've got nothing to lose
Hello Daddy, hello Mom
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Hello world I'm your wild girl
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Hey street boy whats your style
Your dead end dreams don't make you smile
I'll give ya something to live for
Have ya, grab ya til your sore
Hello Daddy, hello Mom
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Hello world I'm your wild girl
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Cherry Bomb - The Runaways
Can't stay at home, can't stay at school
Old folks say, ya poor little fool
Down the street I'm the girl next door
I'm the fox you've been waiting for
Hello Daddy, hello Mom
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Hello world I'm your wild girl
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Stone age love and strange sounds too
Come on baby let me get to you
Bad nights cause'n teenage blues
Get down ladies you've got nothing to lose
Hello Daddy, hello Mom
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Hello world I'm your wild girl
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Hey street boy whats your style
Your dead end dreams don't make you smile
I'll give ya something to live for
Have ya, grab ya til your sore
Hello Daddy, hello Mom
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Hello world I'm your wild girl
I'm your ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 6:26 PM | top
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Yesterday was fun.
Last night was even better.
Life is good, very good.
Last night was even better.
Life is good, very good.
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 9:27 AM | top
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
There's something about my postcolonial lit class that makes me think about the beauty of life. We were discussing art and its role in society and its function in life, and it prompted me to feel very awed at life. I feel like a child, amazed and confused by the beauty and complexity yet profound simplicity of life. It's times like this that make me feel very artistic. I want to just take this beauty, this feeling of awe and wonder and craft it into something pure I can share with the world. I want to put it in a little box that I could open up when I feel I've lost my way. Even though I know that I'm not perfect, and the world certainly isn't either, I know that it's the best I've got. It is still a grand and beautiful thing. When I really think about it, even the flaws of this world and my own life somehow make things even more beautiful. Pain and confusion make joy and love so much more powerful. I guess I just need to see past the drama, the confusion, the pain, the lies, and just revel in the joy of what it simply means to live.
I may not know much, but I know one true thing.
And I know that I am happy.
I may not know much, but I know one true thing.
And I know that I am happy.
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 10:11 PM | top
Sunday, September 19, 2004
So last night was great. I studied like ALL day, so after dinner elia and I went to the DFS movie which was Station Agent. It's a really great film, I highly recomend it. Adriene was there, so after the movie we all trapsed down to the homestead for the kegger. It was a really fun party. I'm not big into beer, but I drank a little. But when John and Dwayne showed up with some vadka, I drank a lot. I felt so great. Everyone was gathered around the fire playing drums and shit, and everyone was way more friendly and talkative at this party. I met so many good lookin freshmen, too bad I can't remember any of their names. I hung out with john for a while, that was cool. He's a good guy when he's not belittling you. At one point I was playing the drums, and it was awsome. I'm really not that bad at it when I'm drunk. I used to play in highschool, but now usually when people ask me to play I get really uptight and suck. But last night I was awsome, it was like I just had to stop thinking about it and just go with it. Eventually elia pulled me off and took me home. The homestead is really great, and last night was clear so you could see millions of stars. It was just a really nice night.
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 10:58 AM | top
Friday, September 17, 2004
I wrote this in Postcolonial Lit.
Humans are truly beautiful creatures.
Delicate yet strong, full of love and hate and fears and insecurities.
Despite all of our problems, all of our differences, all of our experiences...at the bottom of things, we are fundimantly the same. We all seek love, we all fear and cry and feel. And the true trajedy, the thing that has caused the most pain throughout all time, is that we very rarely realize our similarities until it is often too late. So we suffer through oue lives alone, convinced that no one would possiably understand how we feel, when in all reality the person sitting right next to you probably feels the same way. Why is it we are determined to hide ourselves? why has this society we have created determined that emotions are taboo, that honesty is raw and ugly, that tears are private and shameful? It is just so absure, we try to fit some mold which is impossiable for us to fit. Why can't we just say how we feel? Why can't we just do what we wish? Why can't we just be who we are? Why are we so scared? Why is it so hard to open up? Why can't we just realize that we are all beautifully, tragically, wonderfully human?
Humans are truly beautiful creatures.
Delicate yet strong, full of love and hate and fears and insecurities.
Despite all of our problems, all of our differences, all of our experiences...at the bottom of things, we are fundimantly the same. We all seek love, we all fear and cry and feel. And the true trajedy, the thing that has caused the most pain throughout all time, is that we very rarely realize our similarities until it is often too late. So we suffer through oue lives alone, convinced that no one would possiably understand how we feel, when in all reality the person sitting right next to you probably feels the same way. Why is it we are determined to hide ourselves? why has this society we have created determined that emotions are taboo, that honesty is raw and ugly, that tears are private and shameful? It is just so absure, we try to fit some mold which is impossiable for us to fit. Why can't we just say how we feel? Why can't we just do what we wish? Why can't we just be who we are? Why are we so scared? Why is it so hard to open up? Why can't we just realize that we are all beautifully, tragically, wonderfully human?
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 1:32 AM | top
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
i made this in art.
i also made this.
rar...i hate my life.
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 11:56 PM | top
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Broken Things - by Julie Miller
You can have my heart
But it isn't new
It's been used and broken
And only comes in blue
It's been down a long road
And it got dirty on the way
If I give it to you will you make it clean
And wash the pain away
You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my heart if you don't mind these tears
Well I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have my heart
So beyond repair
Nothing I could do
I tried to fix it myself
But it was only worse when I got through
Then you walked right into my darkness
And you speak words so sweet
And you hold me like a child
Till my frozen tears fall at your feet
You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my heart if you don't mind these tears
Well I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have my heart
You can have my heart
But it isn't new
It's been used and broken
And only comes in blue
It's been down a long road
And it got dirty on the way
If I give it to you will you make it clean
And wash the pain away
You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my heart if you don't mind these tears
Well I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have my heart
So beyond repair
Nothing I could do
I tried to fix it myself
But it was only worse when I got through
Then you walked right into my darkness
And you speak words so sweet
And you hold me like a child
Till my frozen tears fall at your feet
You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my heart if you don't mind these tears
Well I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have my heart
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 1:31 PM | top
Saturday, September 11, 2004
drinking with steve and rachel makes amber feel better.
so does hanging out with pretty freshman boys.
so does hanging out with pretty freshman boys.
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 11:18 AM | top
Friday, September 10, 2004
Ok, I just want to say The Real McKenzies rock my face off SO HARD!!
REAL MCKENZIEs - "Cross The Ocean"
off to the harbour, under drungeon in the morning
i've got a press gang looking after me. i
'll awaken sometime on the morrow.
by then we'll be a league away te sea.
full sails, bouncing on the briney
asway about they spreay&windy
all the day tellin' by the swells an adventure's in the making
that's if i don't die upon the way
i'm the boy they pressed aboard & took me out to sea
the captain is a tyrant & he tells what to do
but the firstmate is a cutthroat, with a muntineering spark
he plans to take the captain & feed him to the sharks
i'll never forget the trungeons & the harbour in the morning
and what the navy did to me & pressed me on the sea
still alive & i survived so many years later
as big a buccaneer as i could claim to be
full sails bounding on the briney
jolly rodgers flappin' with a score o' loaded '84's
many pretty treasures, lots of booty to be taken
the cannon and the cutlass on a rebel man o war.
i was the boy they trungeoned & they pressed me out to sea
but now i am the captain & i tell ye what te do
my firstmate is a cutthroat, a tarjack run askew
he has the skill to skin the king and feed him to the crew
we are sailing from our homeland
cross the ocean, on the sea
for whatever reason be
we question all authority
REAL MCKENZIEs - "Cross The Ocean"
off to the harbour, under drungeon in the morning
i've got a press gang looking after me. i
'll awaken sometime on the morrow.
by then we'll be a league away te sea.
full sails, bouncing on the briney
asway about they spreay&windy
all the day tellin' by the swells an adventure's in the making
that's if i don't die upon the way
i'm the boy they pressed aboard & took me out to sea
the captain is a tyrant & he tells what to do
but the firstmate is a cutthroat, with a muntineering spark
he plans to take the captain & feed him to the sharks
i'll never forget the trungeons & the harbour in the morning
and what the navy did to me & pressed me on the sea
still alive & i survived so many years later
as big a buccaneer as i could claim to be
full sails bounding on the briney
jolly rodgers flappin' with a score o' loaded '84's
many pretty treasures, lots of booty to be taken
the cannon and the cutlass on a rebel man o war.
i was the boy they trungeoned & they pressed me out to sea
but now i am the captain & i tell ye what te do
my firstmate is a cutthroat, a tarjack run askew
he has the skill to skin the king and feed him to the crew
we are sailing from our homeland
cross the ocean, on the sea
for whatever reason be
we question all authority
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 10:04 AM | top
Thursday, September 09, 2004
There's something I've been thinking about for a while. I know it's completly random, but I've decided that whenever I get married I'm going to keep my name. I mean on one level I think that the whole system of the woman taking the man's name is an archiac tradition designed to show the man's ownership of the woman. But on a much more personal note I just don't want to change my name. It's not even like I love the name Yoder all that much, but it's just it has become a part of my identity. I know the whole "a rose by anyother name...ect" but I just don't like the idea of having to give up something that's been a major part of who I am my entire life. I just want to keep it because "It's my name! Because I have none other!" (ha I can fight fire w fire and literature with literature). My name is a part of who I am, the good the bad and the fucked up. I am who I am....
I am who I am. I can't help it. I am how I am, I can't help that either. Don't you think I'd change if I could? Don't you think I'd be happy? I'd be confident? I'd be honest? I've tried, I just can't. It's who I am, I'm flawed. Who isn't? Maybe someday I'll be better, maybe then I'll be whole and I'll be able to love myself. Until then this is who, tragically, I am.
(wow, after re-reading all this I realize I sound kinda skitzo, but I'm just doin the free flow thing, so whatever)
I think this song is very representative of my conversations with my mommy.
-Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham-
Mother mother can you hear me I’m just calling to say hello
How’s the weather how’s my father am I lonely heavens no
Mother mother are listening just a phone call to ease your mind
Life is perfect never better distance making the heart grow blind
When you sent me off to see the world
where you scared that I might get hurt
Would I try a little tobacco
would I keep on hiking up my skirt
I’m hungry
I’m dirty
I’m losing my mind
Everything’s fine
I’m freezing
I’m starving
I’m bleeding death
Everything’s fine
Yeah, I’m working, making money I’m just starting to build a name
I can feel it around the corner I could make it any day
Mother mother can you hear me yeah I’m sober sure I’m sane
Life is perfect never better still your daughter still the same
If I tell you what you want to hear will it help you to sleep wellat night
Are you sure that I’m your perfect dear now just cuddle up and sleep tight
I’m hungry
I’m dirty
I’m losing my mind
Everything’s fine
I’m freezing
I’m starving
I’m bleeding to death
Everything’s fine
I miss you
I love you
I am who I am. I can't help it. I am how I am, I can't help that either. Don't you think I'd change if I could? Don't you think I'd be happy? I'd be confident? I'd be honest? I've tried, I just can't. It's who I am, I'm flawed. Who isn't? Maybe someday I'll be better, maybe then I'll be whole and I'll be able to love myself. Until then this is who, tragically, I am.
(wow, after re-reading all this I realize I sound kinda skitzo, but I'm just doin the free flow thing, so whatever)
I think this song is very representative of my conversations with my mommy.
-Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham-
Mother mother can you hear me I’m just calling to say hello
How’s the weather how’s my father am I lonely heavens no
Mother mother are listening just a phone call to ease your mind
Life is perfect never better distance making the heart grow blind
When you sent me off to see the world
where you scared that I might get hurt
Would I try a little tobacco
would I keep on hiking up my skirt
I’m hungry
I’m dirty
I’m losing my mind
Everything’s fine
I’m freezing
I’m starving
I’m bleeding death
Everything’s fine
Yeah, I’m working, making money I’m just starting to build a name
I can feel it around the corner I could make it any day
Mother mother can you hear me yeah I’m sober sure I’m sane
Life is perfect never better still your daughter still the same
If I tell you what you want to hear will it help you to sleep wellat night
Are you sure that I’m your perfect dear now just cuddle up and sleep tight
I’m hungry
I’m dirty
I’m losing my mind
Everything’s fine
I’m freezing
I’m starving
I’m bleeding to death
Everything’s fine
I miss you
I love you
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 3:05 AM | top
Monday, September 06, 2004
Life still sucks, but thanks mike. You are a true friend, and yes...guys are evil.
Friendship is rare,
Do you know what I'm sayin to ya?
Friendship is rare.
My deriare,
when you find out much later
that they don't really care.
It's rare to me
can't you see?
It's rare to me,
can't you see?
-Friendship by Tenacious D
Friendship is rare,
Do you know what I'm sayin to ya?
Friendship is rare.
My deriare,
when you find out much later
that they don't really care.
It's rare to me
can't you see?
It's rare to me,
can't you see?
-Friendship by Tenacious D
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 11:58 PM | top
I really don't know what my problem is...
It used to help me feel better, at least for a while. But now it just makes things worse. What the fuck.
I'm so mixed up. I feel so isolated, so alone. I feel like I'm just faking it, constantly faking. No one is always happy, so why do I try to protray myself like that? I just don't know. I have no answers, just questions. It's not like I expect anyone to understand, cause I don't myself. I don't even know who I am. I'm a fake. An empty shell. I'm so confused, always just confused. Does it even matter? I mean, no one wants to be around sad depressed people, so I think that's why I put on a happy face. I have so few friends to begin with, I guess I'm afraid I'll scare them off if I open up. So I just block everything off, until something's gotta give. And when that happens, well... you don't want to know, you wouldn't understand anyway. Fuck it. what am I supposed to do? I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess this is the only way I can think to put it.
I'm not sure how I feel
Inside these days
It seems I'm slipping further
Into the black and gray.
My only way to escape
the only way to breathe
is to retreat into my dreams
I'm not sure how I feel
I'm not certain it's real,
I don't know if you need to know.
I am the monster
beneth your bed.
I am the skeleton in every closet.
I am the things you hide,
no one know's, no one sees.
Those are the things that make up me.
I thought I'd figure things out
While I was gone
Instead I've realized that
I am just more alone.
I don't need this dissappointment
The guessing who's to blame,
Let me go home
and face my shame.
I'm not sure how I feel
I'm not certain it's real
I don't know that you need to know.
I can hear when you pray,
But it won't make me stay,
and I think you already know.
I'm too strong for my own good now
I've built up these walls and I can't get out.
I am the monster beneth your bed
I am the skeleton in every closet.
I'm the things you hide
so no one knows no one sees,
Those are the things that make up me.
-Monster, by One True Thing
It used to help me feel better, at least for a while. But now it just makes things worse. What the fuck.
I'm so mixed up. I feel so isolated, so alone. I feel like I'm just faking it, constantly faking. No one is always happy, so why do I try to protray myself like that? I just don't know. I have no answers, just questions. It's not like I expect anyone to understand, cause I don't myself. I don't even know who I am. I'm a fake. An empty shell. I'm so confused, always just confused. Does it even matter? I mean, no one wants to be around sad depressed people, so I think that's why I put on a happy face. I have so few friends to begin with, I guess I'm afraid I'll scare them off if I open up. So I just block everything off, until something's gotta give. And when that happens, well... you don't want to know, you wouldn't understand anyway. Fuck it. what am I supposed to do? I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess this is the only way I can think to put it.
I'm not sure how I feel
Inside these days
It seems I'm slipping further
Into the black and gray.
My only way to escape
the only way to breathe
is to retreat into my dreams
I'm not sure how I feel
I'm not certain it's real,
I don't know if you need to know.
I am the monster
beneth your bed.
I am the skeleton in every closet.
I am the things you hide,
no one know's, no one sees.
Those are the things that make up me.
I thought I'd figure things out
While I was gone
Instead I've realized that
I am just more alone.
I don't need this dissappointment
The guessing who's to blame,
Let me go home
and face my shame.
I'm not sure how I feel
I'm not certain it's real
I don't know that you need to know.
I can hear when you pray,
But it won't make me stay,
and I think you already know.
I'm too strong for my own good now
I've built up these walls and I can't get out.
I am the monster beneth your bed
I am the skeleton in every closet.
I'm the things you hide
so no one knows no one sees,
Those are the things that make up me.
-Monster, by One True Thing
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 2:15 AM | top
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Did I say the party should prove interesting? That was a slight understatement. Last night was the first night I've ever been completly and totally shitfaced. So elia, Jenna, Mandy and I followed John and his cohorts over to Shepp. Somehow Jenna "got lost" and did not attend the party. The party was really crowded, but after a few drinks we were mingling just fine. I tried not to drink much beer cause I don't want my lip to get infected so I mostly stuck to vodka/coke. Once they ran out of booze we decided to leave. I was already rather drunk, and if I had STOPED then I would have been ok. But Nooooo....we went back to my room for an 'after party'. I had 3 vodka shots, 1 shot of 151 and 1 Southern Comfort. After that....I recall nearly passing out in elia's closet, then I was in my bed and John was holding a garbage can on my head. It was not too fun... I'm not planning on getting that drunk ANY TIME SOON. At least I know my limit now.
A big thanks to Mandy, John, Jenna and Max for taking care of me and elia. John, you're a good bad influence.
A big thanks to Mandy, John, Jenna and Max for taking care of me and elia. John, you're a good bad influence.
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 1:11 PM | top
Thursday, September 02, 2004
I don't know what's come over me, but I just feel really disalusioned. I just know that nothing is gonna change. why is it, no matter what I do I end up alone? Things I plan out NEVER work out the way I wish they would and then I'm left dissappointed and alone. Am I EVER going to find the right guy or am I doomed to just be alone? reality is too much to handle but my dreams leave me with nothing but regrets. i just want someone who cares
anyone...
anyone...
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 11:25 PM | top
Today was a good day. I managed to pick up Dr. Hamlet's Postcolonial Lit. and Crit. which is exciting for a few reasons. 1) it is at 1:30 so I don't have to wake up early! 2) It's Dr. Hamlet, and he's crazy and very enthuastic and fun! 3) Everyone else in the class are Jr.s and Srs. so THEY TALK IN CLASS!! I'm not the only person who voices their opinion!! Yay! I feel so terriably nerdy, but I'm really thrilled with my schedule now. All my classes are great, fun, but challenging and my prof.'s are all cool and realy into the subjects. So yay for me!
Hm, apparently I am to be attending a party tomorrow (at the invitation of someone).... that may prove interesting. More on that later.
Good luck in Spain, Ian. We all miss you and love you a lot.
Hm, apparently I am to be attending a party tomorrow (at the invitation of someone).... that may prove interesting. More on that later.
Good luck in Spain, Ian. We all miss you and love you a lot.
Bloodie Bonnie screamed @ 7:15 PM | top